How to write a eulogy: a guide for people who aren't writers

A eulogy is a spoken tribute delivered at a funeral or memorial service to honor someone who has died. You don't need to be a writer, a speaker, or someone who has the right words ready — you just need to know the person and be willing to tell the truth about who they were.

Most people asked to give a eulogy feel some version of panic. That's normal. This guide will walk you through the whole process, from sitting down with a blank page to standing at the podium.

Eulogy vs. obituary: two different things

Before anything else, it helps to know what a eulogy is not. An obituary is a written announcement — it's a record of who someone was, what they did, and when they lived. A eulogy is a speech delivered to the people who loved them.

An obituary is factual. A eulogy is personal. The obituary might say "she was a devoted mother and retired schoolteacher." The eulogy says "the first thing my mother did every morning was make a pot of coffee she never finished, set it out on the counter, and call each of her kids, one by one, just to check in."

The difference is everything. Specific details — the coffee pot, the phone calls — make a person real in a way that adjectives like "devoted" never can.

How long should a eulogy be?

A well-paced eulogy runs five to ten minutes, which works out to roughly 700 to 1,200 words on the page. If you're reading at a moderate pace, seven to eight minutes is about 900 words — a good target for most services.

Longer is almost never better. A eulogy that stretches past twelve minutes loses the room. Grief exhausts people; a concise tribute is a gift to everyone in attendance, including yourself. If there's a lot to say, say the most important things well rather than everything adequately.

If you're worried about going over, time yourself when you practice. Most people read faster under pressure. Add thirty seconds to your timed read-through to account for pauses and emotion.

How to find the material

The hardest part of writing a eulogy isn't the writing — it's knowing which stories to tell. Here's how to find them.

Talk to people who knew them differently

You knew one version of this person. Their siblings knew another. Their coworkers, their friends from different decades, their neighbors — they each have a piece of the picture. Call a few of them. Ask one question: "What's the first story that comes to mind when you think of them?"

You'll hear things you didn't know. Sometimes you'll hear the same story three different times from three different people — and that repetition tells you something. The recurring stories are the true ones.

Look at photos and letters

Go through their photos. Look for the ones that tell a story without needing a caption. Look for letters or cards they wrote — their word choices, what they noticed, what they thought was worth writing down. These details are gold.

Ask yourself three questions

When you're stuck, come back to these:

1. What was something only they would say?
2. What would make the people in that room nod because they've seen it too?
3. What do you want the people who didn't know them well to understand about who they were?

The answers to those three questions are the heart of your eulogy.

A structure that works

You don't need a complex outline. This simple structure holds a eulogy together.

Opening: Start with something specific — a memory, a detail, something that places them in the room immediately. Not "she was wonderful" but a moment: where you were, what she said, why it mattered. The first thirty seconds should make everyone in the room lean in.

Who they were: One or two paragraphs on the person's character. Not a list of accomplishments — those belong in the obituary. What made them distinctly themselves? What were the qualities everyone felt? This is where you might say something about how they loved, how they showed up, what they believed in.

Two or three specific stories: This is the core of the eulogy. Choose stories that illustrate character — moments that show what you described rather than just telling it. A story where they were funny. A story where they were generous in a way that surprised someone. A moment that was ordinary but somehow says everything.

Their impact on specific people: Name a few of the people in that room — a spouse, a child, a close friend — and say briefly what this person meant to them. It brings the audience into the tribute and makes it communal rather than a solo performance.

A closing that looks forward: Don't end on loss. End on something they taught you, a way they'll continue, something you'll carry. This doesn't have to be religious or abstract. It can be as simple as: "Every time I make a terrible pot of coffee I don't finish, I'll think of her."

Tone: grief and laughter coexist

A eulogy does not have to be solemn from start to finish. Laughter at a funeral is not disrespectful — it's often the most honest tribute possible. If the person was funny, let the eulogy be funny in the places that call for it. If they would have rolled their eyes at excessive sentimentality, acknowledge that.

At the same time, don't perform levity if it isn't authentic. The room will feel the difference between a genuinely funny memory and a nervous deflection from grief. Follow the person's actual character — if they were warm and serious, let that come through. If they were mischievous, honor that.

Writing a eulogy for a complicated relationship

Sometimes the person who dies was difficult. A parent who was absent or unkind. A sibling with whom you had a fraught history. A person whose struggles caused damage.

You are not required to lie in a eulogy. You are also not required to expose wounds in public.

The most useful frame: what is true that is also worth sharing? Even complicated people have moments worth honoring — a capacity for love that was inconsistent but real, a persistence in hard circumstances, a quality they passed down even if the rest was difficult. You can be honest without being brutal, and you can be selective without being dishonest.

If you truly cannot find anything worth saying, it is acceptable to decline to give the eulogy and to let someone else speak. That is a reasonable choice.

A practical writing template

If you're staring at a blank page, this structure gets the first draft done:

1. Opening line: "The first time I [specific memory]..."
2. Who they were: "What I want people who didn't know them well to understand is..."
3. Story 1: "There's a story that tells you everything about who they were..."
4. Story 2: "People who knew them will recognize this..."
5. Their impact: "To [name], they were..."
6. Closing: "What I'll carry forward is..."

Fill in each of those prompts in full sentences. Don't worry about polish on the first pass. Get it on the page, then shape it.

How to practice — and how to get through it on the day

Read the eulogy aloud at least three times before you deliver it. Not in your head — out loud, at speaking pace. This is how you find the sentences that trip you up and the moments that will make you emotional.

Mark the spots where you know emotion will be high. You are allowed to pause. You are allowed to take a breath. A silence of a few seconds feels much shorter to the audience than it feels to you.

What to do if you cry: Keep the page in front of you. Look down at the words, take a breath, wait for the moment to pass, and continue. You don't need to apologize. The audience already knows why you're crying.

If you genuinely cannot get through it: Ask someone — a family member, a close friend — to be your backup. Show them the text beforehand. If you need to stop, hand it to them. There is no shame in this. Many eulogies are finished by someone other than the person who wrote them.

Delivery tips:

• Slow down. People speaking in front of a group almost always rush.
• Hold the paper with both hands so it doesn't shake visibly.
• Look up from the text occasionally — at the casket, at the family, at the room.
• Do not read from a phone if you can avoid it. A printed page is easier to hold and easier for the audience to see you engaging with.

Common mistakes to avoid

Too generic. "She was a loving mother and a wonderful friend" tells no one anything. Every specific detail does more work than a dozen adjectives. Trade adjectives for moments.

Too long. If you're over twelve minutes, cut. Start by removing the parts you wrote mostly to fill space.

Reading off a phone. The screen glare, the accidental scroll, the risk of notifications — avoid all of it. Print the text in a large font (14–16pt) on full-size paper.

Trying to cover everything. A eulogy is not a biography. Choose the few things that matter most and say them well.

Waiting until the night before to write it. Give yourself at least two to three days. The first draft will be rough. The second draft will be better. The third draft — after you've read it aloud and slept on it — is usually the one worth delivering.

Frequently asked questions

How do you start a eulogy if you don't know what to say?

Start with the most specific memory you have — something small and sensory: a smell, a habit, a phrase they always said. The specific detail pulls people in. Don't start with a definition of the word "eulogy" or with "We're gathered here today." Start with a moment.

Is it okay to use humor in a eulogy?

Yes, if the humor is genuine and fits the person's character. Laughter at a funeral is not disrespectful — it's often the most honest form of tribute. The test is whether the humor honors who they were or deflects from the grief in the room. Honoring humor: good. Nervous humor to avoid vulnerability: avoid it.

What if you're asked to give a eulogy for someone you didn't know well?

Interview the people who did. Call or email several people who were close to them and ask: "What's one thing you want people to know about them?" "What's a story that tells you who they were?" You're writing on behalf of the people who loved them — you don't need to have had the relationship yourself.

How do you end a eulogy?

End on something that moves forward — something the person taught you, a way they'll continue in others, a habit or phrase you'll carry. You don't have to end on hope if that feels false; you just have to end somewhere other than pure loss. A quiet, specific image often works better than a grand statement.

Can you deliver a eulogy if you're not a public speaker?

Absolutely. Most eulogies are delivered by people who have never spoken publicly before. The audience is not looking for a polished performance — they are looking for someone who loved the person and is willing to say so. Imperfection in a eulogy reads as authenticity. Prepare well, practice aloud, and give yourself permission to be human on the day.

What Passings Can Help With

Planning a funeral or memorial service involves dozens of decisions, often made in a compressed timeframe while grieving. Passings gives families a structured way to organize those decisions — including notes about the kind of service the person wanted, key contacts, and documents. If you're helping plan the service and need to think through the full picture, the memorial service planning guide and how to plan a funeral can walk you through what else needs to happen alongside the eulogy.

This article provides general guidance for writing a tribute speech and is not a substitute for professional support. If grief is affecting your daily functioning, speaking with a counselor or grief therapist can help.

Disclaimer — For informational purposes only

This article is compiled from publicly available resources and is provided solely for general informational purposes. It does not constitute and should not be relied upon as legal, financial, tax, insurance, medical, psychological, or other professional advice. Passings is a planning and organizational platform, not a licensed advisory service, and no attorney-client, financial advisor-client, or other professional relationship is created by reading this content.

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